


Fields of Gold

by freewillandphysics



Series: Finding Our Way Back [2]
Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 20:56:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12756063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freewillandphysics/pseuds/freewillandphysics
Summary: Attempt 1048 - Tahani goes on a picnic. And tries very hard to keep the universe together.It's torture.





	Fields of Gold

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to Eva Cassidy's cover of Fields of Gold 127 times in one weekend and this happened. I recommend it. (The song, not necessarily listening to it 127 times in 40 or so hours - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UVjjcOUJLE)

Attempt 1048 - Day 38

 

What the fork is she thinking? She can’t go on a picnic. She can’t go on a picnic with _Eleanor_. She can’t believe she agreed to this, but she also can’t think of a polite way to get out of it.

 

Something is wrong. Like really, catastrophically wrong. But Tahani is British. She knows how to keep calm and carry on, how to repress every fearful instinct in order to revel in what’s been presented to her at face value - paradise.

 

Everything was fine until she met Eleanor. The first time she saw her, her heart skipped a beat, despite the fact that she couldn’t find a single remarkable thing about her. Until she ran up to Tahani, pulled her into her arms, and started going on about past lives, or past afterlives rather, and this actually being The Bad Place, and all the schemes they’ll need to carry out together to avoid being tortured.

 

Tahani startled, pushed Eleanor away, and told her she was being crazy. Eleanor _was_ being crazy. But for some reason Tahani believed her. Or believed _something_ about what she was saying. She didn’t let on, and she doesn’t think she’s ever seen a sight more full of despair than the look Eleanor gave her then as she realized Tahani didn’t share her delusion.

 

Since then she’s been trying to ignore her, even as Eleanor has been brought back into their neighbors' good graces.

 

Tahani doesn’t want to think for a moment about the implications of even one of the things Eleanor said being true. There’s no way she’s in The Bad Place. There’s no way she deserves to be. She finally got this one good thing that she deserves and she’s not going to let it go. There’s no way she somehow forgot hundreds of years or some epic love affair with an _Arizonian_.

 

She has a nice house. She has nothing to remind her of her sister or her parents. She has a soulmate who despite being a knucklehead who, as far as she can tell, has actually ever been employed, is sweet and surprisingly good looking.

 

She’s not letting any of it go for the whim of a woman who wears _flip-flops_.

 

But she also gets all flustered around Eleanor for reasons that she doesn’t think have anything to do with fear. And she’s been getting flashes. She doesn’t know how to describe them. Even to herself. There's this image, this split-second impression that forces itself into her mind intermittently no matter how hard she tries to stop it. She can’t fully grasp it. It’s ephemeral, like a memory of a dream. But it’s certainly Eleanor.

 

Eleanor with her head thrown back, laughing. It’s somehow both dark and light at the same time. She’s surrounded by colors, but also by gold.

 

It doesn’t make any sense. But none of this really has.

 

Every time it pops into her mind, every time she thinks about it, the only thing she feels is panic. But sometimes, in the middle of the night with her guard down, she’ll let it come to her without any resistance. And there, somewhere beyond the furthest corner of her mind, she can sense a peaceful bliss, an affectionate contentment. And that may scare her more than anything else.

 

So she should not be walking down to the lake carrying some American malt beverage under her arm. She should never have agreed to any of this.

  
But as she turns a corner, she sees the three of them sitting on a plaid blanket, happy. Chidi is throwing what Tahani has learned are jalapeno poppers into Jason’s mouth as Eleanor cheers him on.

 

She can’t make herself turn back.

 

_Attempt 408_

 

 _As Tahani and Eleanor sit on Tahani’s couch, each reading a book during a rare idle afternoon, Tahani gathers the courage to ask_ “ _So what is going on with you and Chidi?”_

 

_“He’s my teacher.”_

 

 _“I know, but he’s not_ just _your teacher, obviously.”_

 

 _Eleanor closes her book as her eyes light up. “Wait? Are you jealous? You know I’ve only got eyes for you, hotstuff. But I do have to say, I’m usually the jealous bench in a relationship and being on this side feels_ pretty great. _And it does look really good on you.”_

 

 _Tahani rolls her eyes as she confirms “I’m not jealous. I know there’s nothing romantic going on between the two of you. But_ something _is, right?”_

 

 _Eleanor shrugs, “I don’t know I mean he’s my best friend. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had, actually. And he’s helping me learn all this stuff. And he makes me feel good, you know? I mean, not the way you make me feel good” she says playfully as she waggles her eyebrows and Tahani mutters “lovely” under her breath. She continues “but he makes me feel like_ I’m _good, or at least I can be. And nobody’s ever made me feel like that before. Plus he’s comfortable. Whenever I’m with him, I can just be me. Or the me I would have been if I wasn’t always being the me that’s such a jerk. And…that’s not a thing you're supposed to say to your girlfriend, right?” Eleanor finishes as she scrunches up her nose._

 

_“No darling, it’s fine. I asked. And I want to know, truly. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone like that before. I mean I had some parts of that, on both sides. Like when my best friend’s husband cheated on her, and I gave her a rousing speech about turning lemons into lemonade, which she really ran with, to astounding success. Or when my good friend Francis gave me some pointers on how to stop being disgusted by homeless people. It doesn’t matter what he’s the pope of.”_

 

_It’s Eleanor’s turn to roll her eyes, as Tahani continues, “But I’ve never really had anyone the way you have Chidi.”_

 

_“Well you got me...”_

 

_“I know I do, love, and I’m really grateful for that”_

 

_“And you’ve got Chidi too. He likes you. And you’re always welcome at our good person lessons. I told you that.”_

 

_“No darling, I don’t want to intrude. I want you to have that time with your best friend”._

 

 _Eleanor chews the inside of her cheek as thinks for a second then looks up at the clock. “Well I know for a fact that Chidi is having an earl grey latte on the bench outside of_ How You Bean _and reading Emily Dickinson poetry translated into French like he does every Wednesday at 3:15. And that’s super dumb and boring and pointless and I’m_ sure _he’d much rather hang out with a couple a hot broads like us instead. We’ll go save him from himself because we are_ good. people.” _She finishes her speech off with an exaggerated thumbs up as Tahani smiles at her._

 

_“Alright, darling. That sounds nice”, she agrees as she kisses Eleanor’s cheek. She gets up to leave but Eleanor stops her with “Wait, babe, aren’t you gonna pick up all that stuff first?” as she points to the floor in front of the couch._

 

_Tahani looks around at the empty floor and spotless table and asks “Wha..pick up what?”_

 

_“Oh. All those names you dropped a minute ago”_

 

_Tahani pretends to be annoyed as she deadpans “ha ha. Very funny, Harpo. Let’s go.” but she can’t stop herself from smiling the moment Eleanor turns around. Maybe she does already have someone who accepts her for exactly who she is._

 

Tahani approaches the group and after they exchange greetings she offers up her hostess gift.

 

“I asked Janet for your favorite beverage and she told me it’s something called Miller Lite?” as she pulls a case of beer out of a silk bag. “It’s apparently supposed to be spelled incorrectly. I checked. Twice.”

 

Eleanor and Jason’s faces both light up and Jason says “yo, this is dope!” as Eleanor looks right at her and follows up with “It really is. Ugh, you’re the best”. Tahani notices how her face falls for a split second before she cheerily turns to Chidi and says “it’s about time we teach you nerds how to shotgun a beer” and Jason replies with a jubilant “yes!” and a fist pump. Tahani decides to ignore the despair she saw in Eleanor’s eyes in favor of the fear of whatever “shotgunning a beer” means.

 

_Attempt 149_

 

_Tahani and Eleanor are lying together in the shade of a tree next to the lake, on a blanket that is the softest thing Eleanor's ever felt. Tahani is on her back and Eleanor is curled up next to her, propped up on one elbow with her head resting in her hand. Her other hand has been lazily trailing up and down Tahani’s stomach. Tahani has been dozing despite the fact that she’s been able to feel her girlfriend staring at her for at least the last 20 minutes or so._

 

_As she opens her eyes, Eleanor smiles at her and with a sigh says “You are the best thing that’s ever happened.”_

 

_Tahani doesn’t expect the sentence to end there and looks up in confusion before she finishes “To you?”_

 

_“What?”_

 

_“The best thing that’s ever happened to you?_

 

 _“Oh! no. I meant like_ ever _but yeah, to me too.” Eleanor says with a smile. She leans down to kiss her and if Tahani was capable of any conscious thought at all in that moment, she’d wonder what she did to deserve this._

 

Chidi manages to talk the two idiots out of, well, _whatever it is_ they had planned and agree to a slower start. That apparently means drinking games. They throw a bunch of names that Tahani’s never heard of back and forth as Chidi keeps trying to propose some philosophy trivia game. The boys somehow settle on “Never Have I Ever” and suddenly Eleanor is the one retreating.

 

“Come on guys. There seems to be a real imbalance of experience here.” Chidi immediately counters “Yes. It’s perfect. We all have an equal chance of having to drink since at least two of us are likely to have, or not have as the case may be, the same experiences. It clears up at least half the ethical concerns of the game!”

 

Eleanor tries again. “Shouldn’t you have like a million ethical concerns with games that require alcohol consumption?”

 

“Yeah but I have a myriad of ethical concerns about every game. This is the closest to comfortable I’m likely to get.”

 

“You guys know I don’t like sharing stuff, especially as part of a mandatory group activity…I mean Tahani, come on, you have to have objections too right?”

 

Tahani tries to say that she doesn’t really understand enough of what the game entails to have an opinion. And desperately tries _not_ to say that she is equally terrified of every possible outcome of this situation.

 

But Chidi interrupts with a soft “Eleanor, we’re not going to make you say, or do, anything you don’t want to. Okay?”

 

She deflates. “Okay. Fine. I’ll do my best. But no promises.” She locks eyes with Tahani as she says that last bit and there’s a meaning behind it that Tahani can’t interpret.

 

_Attempt 684_

 

_Eleanor and Tahani sit at opposite sides of Tahani’s dining table, finishing up one of her signature casual seven course meals. Eleanor starts “So I guess we should probably talk about…”_

 

_“Eleanor, sweetheart, you’ve barely put your dessert fork down. And I told you. I’m fine with what happened last night. Or, well, didn’t happen.”_

 

 _Eleanor starts to get visibly agitated as she said “Well I’m not! Fine with it. Because you don’t understand and I_ want _you too but I don’t know how and it’s forking frustrating as help!_

 

_“Darling, it’s okay --”_

 

_“No it’s not. It’s not okay!” She throws her napkin down as she stands up and strides purposely around the table to Tahani. Tahani sits frozen, eyes wide, despite having equally strong urges to both get up and wrap her arms around Eleanor, and to get away from all of this as fast as possible._

 

 _“I don’t know how to tell you that I…I think about you all the time. Even when we’re together. Even when I’m_ asleep _. And I…_ want _you so much. In every way. All the time._

 

_Sometimes you look at me and my chest aches, because there’s not enough room in it for all the things I feel about you._

 

 _And if I had ever felt just a fraction of that for even just a_ moment _on Earth, I think I coulda been good, you know? I mean...I don’t know. Probably not. But, for you? I would have spent my whole life trying._

 

_Whatever. I don’t...I’m sorry. I don’t know how to do this.”_

 

_She shakes her head and stares at the ground for a moment, and then, for the first time since she started talking, looks into Tahani’s eyes. She seems surprised by the tears streaking her face._

 

_Tahani’s voice breaks as she starts “Oh, darling.” She takes one of Eleanor’s wrists in both hands and Eleanor doesn’t pull away._

 

_“That was…I meant it when I said that you didn’t need to say anything back. I was disappointed, sure, but I’d never ask anything of you that you aren’t able to give.”_

 

 _“Well I_ am _sorry I couldn’t say it”_

 

_Tahani breathes out her name. “Do you truly not see how much you just..? I don’t want you to ever say anything to me just because you think you're supposed to -”_

 

_“What about telling you how pretty you look when you put on a new party dress?”_

 

 _“Well,_ obviously, _you’re supposed to say how beautiful I am then. We’re not savages. Honestly, Eleanor, I know we’re dead, but that’s no excuse for giving up on decorum.”_

 

_Eleanor smiles, well smirks, for the first time since the conversation turned serious._

 

 _“The point_ is _that I’ll be okay if you never say that you love me - and I’ll refrain from saying it too if you’d like - because that little speech you just gave is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.”_

 

_“Weren’t like half the songs on Adele’s last album about you?”._

 

_“I know what I said. Sweetheart, I feel that exact same constriction in my chest, and I want you in every conceivable way too. Always.”_

 

_She pulls Eleanor by the wrist and leans forward, slow, until their foreheads are resting gently against each other, then after a few moments, kisses her gently. It’s full of all the things they’ll never be able to say to each other and it’s enough._

 

They finally get situated enough start the game. Jason hands her a beer, and she must not be doing a great job of hiding her revulsion because Eleanor starts laughing and it’s clear Chidi is trying not to. Eleanor hands her a cup that’s been sitting next to her with a wink. She takes it with suspicion as she gazes down at the fruit and cucumber in it. Eleanor says “Pimm’s Cup, right? Just try it”.

 

Tahani does, and it’s perfect. It has at least a few ounces of blood orange juice in it, just as she prefers.

 

“Thank you. It’s lovely.”

 

“Course, hotstuff, I got your back.” Eleanor says it casually but it sends a shot of... _something_ through Tahani’s system. She tries not to tremble as the game gets started.

 

They go back and forth between “never have I evers” and general conversation.

 

After two Pimm’s cups, Tahani gets bold enough to ask Eleanor about her inspiration for the picnic. Nothing seems to match - the dinnerware, the theme, the food - and she can’t figure out what Eleanor was actually going for.

 

Eleanor happily explains that almost no planning went into it all. That she showed up to the lake with a couple blankets and whatever dishware and cutlery she had clean, and asked Janet to conjure up everyone’s favorite food and beverages.

 

She ends with, “Look, I’m not the party planner here. I know it’s nowhere near perfect. But it’s good, right?”

 

“Yes. Yes, Eleanor, it is.”

 

Eleanor gives her a genuine smile and a purposeful nod, then says “never have I ever read an entire nonfiction book in one sitting” as Chidi groans next to her.

 

_Attempt 112_

 

_“It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter if I don’t even throw the party. It doesn’t matter if I just throw bags of airline pretzels and warm beer at anyone who attends.”_

 

_“Who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?”_

 

_“I’m serious Eleanor. It doesn’t matter. None of this matters.”_

 

_“Okay. Well it mattered to you yesterday. Enough that I spent five hours folding, unfolding, then refolding, a hundred and fifty cocktail napkins. What’s changed?”_

 

_Tahani closes her eyes as she pinches the bridge of her nose and shakes her head, “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”_

 

 _Eleanor walks over to her and braces her hands on Tahani’s arms. “Hey._ You _matter. And whatever happened to get you so upset matters too. Especially to me. What’s wrong?”_

 

_“I saw the rankings”_

 

_“What?”_

 

 _“The rankings. Michael has a list in his office of the neighborhood rankings. How many points each person has. I’m second to last. It doesn’t matter what I do. I spent my_ whole _life trying to be perfect. Trying to be good enough. And it never mattered. And I_ should _have learned my lesson. But I just fell into_ exactly _the same pattern here. So I’m done. I’ve officially realized I’ll never be perfect. So I give up.”_

 

_“Oh boy”_

 

_“Eleanor, don't even bother...”_

 

 _“No. I...I mean you’re right. You’re never going to be perfect.” Tahani looks stricken. “But you_ can _be...Have you ever heard of Plotnius?”_

 

_“No. I can’t say that I have.”_

 

_“Wait for real? The philosopher, you don’t know him?”_

 

_“No. I don’t.”_

 

_“Nice! Smartest kid in class! Boom.” She puts her right hand up next to her head and then high fives herself with her left._

 

_Tahani starts to lose the tiny amount of patience she has left. “What are we even doing right now?”_

 

_“Oh right! Sorry”, she replies sheepishly. “This is relevant. And it will help.” She then adds as an afterthought, “I hope”._

 

_“So there was this philosopher. In the year 200 or something. He was Egyptian. But he lived in Rome for awhile? I don’t know how all those guys traveled the world all the way back then. I never even saw the ocean. And we had planes and stuff. Anyway! His name was Plotnius. And one of the things he was all about was the problem of evil. Chidi spend like 7 hours on him the other day. He has some kind of philosophy boner for him or something. Do you think we could hook them up, now that they're all dead?” Tahani shrugs exaggeratedly and Eleanor says “right. That’s for another time._

 

_Okay so according to Plotnius, nothing that exists can ever really be fully perfect or fully evil. Evil only accomplishes anything on when it’s attached to good things. Like how Hitler was charismatic, or Stalin was super organized, or Trump was...I don’t know...rich? And it’s our potential to be perfect that makes us good. But you can’t have just full potential. For something to exist it has to have even a fraction of atoms or matter or I don’t know I’m not a biologist. But anything that exists is made up of at least something other than potential. Chidi uses the word “potentiality” but I don’t 100% know what that means. I think it’s legit just a smart person’s way to say “potential”._

 

_“Yes, I’ve got it.”_

 

 _“Oh yeah. Sometimes I forget that you’re a smart person, too. You know, on account of all the hotness? Point is, that’s why I was never a good person on Earth. Because_ all I did _was waste potential, pretty much every moment of my life. And it took dying for me to start living up to my potential, and I’m trying. And I know I’ll never be perfect, but I want to be good._

 

 _And you’ll never be perfect but, Tahani, you’re so_ good. _And you and me together, we’re so so good. And there are some moments that for just a split second, I swear we’re perfect. Or at least as close I’m ever gonna get. For as long as this eternity lasts._

 

 _So I for one am thrilled that you’re not perfect because I’m a_ huge _fan of your physical form, and the things you let me do to it.” Tahahi laughs at this, and Eleanor realizes she’s actually succeeding in both making her point and cheering up her girlfriend. “And those very very few flaws you have. I love them. Because they're what make you perfect_ for me _. I know how hard all this must be for you. But baby, don’t you feel even the littlest bit of freedom now that you realize you don’t have to try to be perfect all the time.”_

 

_“Yes. I suppose I do, actually. And thank you. You’re perfect for me too, despite, or perhaps because of, your many many flaws.”_

 

_Eleanor rolls her eyes but can’t keep herself from smiling. She opens her arms and says “bring it in here, gorgeous.”_

 

_As Eleanor hugs her, tightly, while rubbing circles onto the small of her back, Tahani thinks that she might be okay with this being as close to perfect as she ever gets._

 

_“So now that you feel better, do you want to go organize a hundred and fifty calligraphed place cards?”_

 

_Tahani laughs into the space between Eleanor’s neck and shoulder and says “yes dear, I’d like that very much.”_

 

Jason proposes going for a swim, and they call Janet to bring them bathing suits and rooms to change. Chidi says that he should probably wait until it’s been a half hour since he’s eaten, but Janet reminds him that that’s just an old wives’ tale, and also that he’s already dead.

 

Tahani says that she wants to finish her drink, and that she’ll join them in a bit. She desperately needs at least a little bit of distance. She watches as their changing rooms disappear, the second each one of them emerges from them.

 

Jason and Eleanor race to the lake, pushing and otherwise trying to sabotage each other the whole time. Chidi looks back at her from his leisurely pace with a fond eye roll and smile and Tahani laughs back.

 

She doesn’t know how she’s going to do this; keep Eleanor around her without the entire thing shattering into pieces around them. At some point one of them is going to slip up, to forget to be so careful around each other. She can’t see what happens next, but she knows there's no way it can be good. But today was really nice. She hasn’t had one of those flashes since she arrived, but she feels the swell in her chest that usually accompanies it.

 

She leaves her thoughts for a minute to watch her friends playing in the lake. They're splashing each other, and Eleanor is laughing at the boys, head back, as the sunlight streams over her. Tahani’s breath catches, and she doesn’t think she’s ever seen anything so beautiful.

 

She thinks that somewhere in all of the fear and ache and longing of those flashes, there’s just enough promise of sheer contentment to make her wonder if a moment, a _real_ true moment, with Eleanor is worth losing an eternity in paradise for.

 

She decides then that no matter how forking inconvenient this whole thing is, no matter how off-kilter it makes her feel, no matter what the consequences may be, she if fully committed to getting to the bottom of it.

 

_Attempt 5_

 

_For some reason, The Good Place has an acre of planted barley. As they walk towards it, Tahani wonders aloud if anyone actually planted it, if anyone harvests it, or if it’s just kind of there. Eleanor shoots back that one of the benefits of heaven is that you don’t have to think about things like that._

 

_After six months in The Good Place, they decided that they wanted to explore the whole neighborhood together. Otherwise Tahani would never have found herself, in life or death, on what is basically a farm. The whole thing just feels so...pedestrian._

 

_But when they're actually walking through the field, she realizes how beautiful it is. She thinks the barley is a lot like Eleanor - commonplace, a little rough to the touch, and not at all Tahani’s type. Until she actually takes the time to see it up close, spent some time there, and she realizes how much beauty and wonder has been lying just below the surface, how much she could have missed out on._

 

_Eleanor is walking backwards, leading Tahani by the hand. She’s laughing at her own joke. The sun is setting behind her. The sky is full of colors, but it’s still bright enough for Tahani to make out every single feature of the landscape of Eleanor’s face. She tries to take the entire moment in, commit every single detail to memory, because she’s not sure if she’s ever seen anything so beautiful. Or if she ever will again._

  
_She thinks that of all the shiny, golden,_ precious _,_ _things that have ever been hers, Eleanor is by far her favorite._

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank everyone so much for your incredible response to my last fic. I read, and took to heart, every single comment. Tahani's voice is a lot harder for me to capture, but I hope you've been able to enjoy this one as well.
> 
>  
> 
> I've listened to philosophy podcasts as I fall asleep almost every night for the better part of a decade. I never thought this would be how it was finally put to good use, but here we are.


End file.
